SS: Sex and the City – Desi Masala!

Jul 23, 2013

SS: Sex and the City – Desi Style! (By Tainar) (Thanked: 62 times)


Ahhh…!  Nothing like sipping on cold, refreshing lassi and munching on scrumptious, melt in the mouth jalebis.  The girls, Khushi, Kumud, Madhu and Pankhudi, are all lounging on the plush, large couch in Madhu’s house in Mumbai.  For most ladies, the night of freedom would have turned into Girls Night Out.  But they are not like most ladies.  Give them delicious food, great company and lively music and they can show what it means to have good times.

Madhu (stands up):  Who wants to dance?!?

Khushi (jumps up and screams):  Yes!  Play any of Salluji’s song please. 

Madhu plays Dhinka Chika on her playlist and all the ladies show off their dancing skills.  Each of them tries to outdo Salman Khan’s moves.  Khushi, true to her sankaness, jumps up on the couch and tries to show off her impressive, dancing skills.  Madhu jumps and joins Sanka Devi on the couch while Kumud and Pankhudi laugh at them clumsily trying to dance on the soft couch.  The song finishes and the girls slump down, laughing at their silliness.

Pankhudi (catches her breath and looks at her watch):  I hope Adi is back from his business trip.  (Annoyed) He still hasn’t called.

Kumud (shakes her head):  Men.  They just can’t pick up the phone and make a simple call.

Madhu (nods her head in agreement):  RK can sometimes go missing for hours without answering his phone.  I get so frustrated it almost makes me want to knock him dead.  (Mischievously) I say let’s enroll them for Husband 101 course. 

Khushi (snorts):  Enroll Laad Governor in a class?  He would instead teach them how to be a rakshas and yell what the…what the…!

Madhu (laughs):  RK will teach all the men to yell Biwi…Biwi!  And the class will turn into Drama 101, he’ll teach them to say dialogues instead of having real, proper conversation.

Kumud:  No thank you.  These men are difficult as it is.  (Laughs) I say just train them like a good school teacher.  (Winks) Give corporal punishment if they get out of line.

Pankhudi (huffs):  If I try any of those tactics, my MIL will eat me for dinner.

Khushi (to Pankhudi):  I thought you are fond of Aunty?

Pankhudi:  I am fond of her.  She’s strong and principled but…Uggh!  She’s also rigid and frustrating!  Did you know?  For a long time she was against our marriage.

Madhu:  Pankhu…you never told us.  How did you and Adi meet?  How did you get married?

Pankhudi (sighs):  My dadaji had business contract with Adi’s nanaji’s company.  Both of our grandfathers thought Adi and I would suit.  So Adi and his parents flew down to Kullu to meet me and my family.  (Huffs) Did you know he rejected me at first?

Khushi (surprised):  What the…!?!

Kumud (angrily):  Did the fool actually think he would find someone better?

Madhu (militantly):  I hope you set him straight!

Pankhudi (sighs):  No…I took it like a good sport.  Somehow he and I started hanging out and he indicated to my family that he was interested in me.  Did you know all the while he was giving me the vibe that he was interested, he kept on saying he didn’t believe in marriage?

Kumud (mutters):  Ohh God!  He must be Saras’s long, lost brother.

Khushi (mouth open wide):  What?!?  He was still courting you even though he didn’t believe in marriage!

Madhu (angrily):  I would have slapped him!

Pankhudi (shakes her head):  Hmmm…maybe I should have but I didn’t.  Things were left undecided.   Adi and his parents were planning to return back to Mumbai.  But Adi requested to stay an additional few days.  Due to a misunderstanding, my family got us engaged.  But Adi he doesn’t know any rituals so he thought it was some sort of pooja instead of our roka.

Madhu (surprised):  How’s that even possible?

Khushi (mutters):  He’s just like Laad Governor.  Does not know or understand any ritual.

Pankhudi (continues):  In his ignorant bliss, he told his parents about the ceremony and his mom explained that I and my family tricked him into getting engaged.  Do you know what he did?  He stormed into our house and insulted my parents and dadaji!  I was so angry!  I told him that if he is not interested he can break it off.

Kumud (gasps):  How dare he insult your family?!?

Khushi (hands on her hips):  He must be Laad Governor’s long, lost brother!

Madhu (angrily):  I would have given him two tight slaps!

Pankhudi:  Adi did deserve a slap or two for his disrespect.  He flew back to Mumbai.  His nanaji called my dadaji and they both discussed the misunderstanding in a rational, grownup manner.  Nanaji tried to explain to Adi but of course he can so stubborn.  Mom’s constant harping that we are all cheats didn’t help either.  So after the incident, I was accepted for an internship in Mumbai.  Nanaji flew me down from Kullu and made living arrangements for me at a girls hostel.

Khushi (eagerly):  So did you guys get close again?

Madhu (excitedly):  So did Adi realize what a fool he has been and beg for your forgiveness?

Kumud:  Did he ask you to marry you?

Pankhudi:  No…nothing of that sort.  Yes we became close again.  But he started thinking of me as just his best friend.

Madhu, Khushi and Kumud (simultaneously):  Oh no!  Not best friend!

Pankhudi:  Yep.  A best friend.  Due to some misunderstanding, I was kicked out of the girls hostel.  Nanaji refused to let me stay anywhere else and insisted that I stay in Diwan Mansion and finish my internship.  Mom threw a fit and she and nanaji and had a huge fight.  Nanaji had a heart attack.  Thankfully he recovered from it. 

Khushi (impatiently):  Then Adi realized that you are more than his best friend?

Madhu:  And then he asked you to marry him?

Pankhudi (shakes her head):  Nope.  I was still his best friend.  However, mom was worried about my influence over Adi.  So she introduced him to her friend’s daughter.  (Scowls) Latika.  She’s such a disgusting schemer.  They started dating and even got engaged.

Madhu, Khushi and Kumud (simultaneously):  What?!?

Pankhudi (continues):  Latika was jealous of my involvement so I pretended that I had a new boyfriend. 

Khushi (eagerly):  Did it make Adi jealous?

Madhu:  Did he realize just how stupid he is being to go for a piece of coal when he already has a diamond in you?

Pankhudi (shakes her head):  Nope.  But it bothered Latika.  She created such hungama.  Adi and I were out one night and we got stuck.  We ended up staying overnight at a hotel.  This Latika…she pretended that Adi assaulted her and created all sorts of drama in Diwan mansion.

Kumud (angrily):  What a cow!  What did you do?

Pankhudi:  What else could I do?  I told the family that Adi was with me all night to prove that Latika was lying.

Khushi and Madhu (simultaneously):  And Adi was grateful and married you to save your reputation?

Pankhudi:  No…but mom softened up against me.  After my internship finished, my parents came take me back to Kullu.  Apparently the boy that I was pretending my boyfriend, was an actual proposal.  Giving up on ever having any relationship with Adi, I went back to Kullu to get married to Shivam.  Adi followed me back to Kullu.

Khushi:  Because he realized he’s been a fool!

Madhu:  These men…can’t they figure things out like us girls?

Kumud:  Men!  They think they are so smart but they are complete dumbos in emotional matters.

Pankhudi (sighs):  I wish girls.  But Adi followed because Latika arrived at Kullu to stir up trouble.  On my wedding day, she came and implied that Adi and I were intimate.  Shivam and his mother broke off the wedding and left.  My family was devastated.  I still don’t know what took over Adi, but he just picked up sindoor and applied it to my maang.

Madhu:  What?  No proposal?  Why do these men hoist marriage on us without even asking?!?

Khushi (mutters):  Definitely Laad Governor’s long, lost brother.

Pankhudi:  After much convincing from my dadaji, we got married with all rituals.  We returned to Mumbai.  But you see I wasn’t ready to go to Diwan Mansion so I moved in with papa.

Madhu, Khushi and Kumud (simultaneously):  WHY?!?

Pankhudi:  Two reasons.  Mom just started to forgive me and if she found out about the marriage then she would have hated me.  Second reason, I promised nanaji that I would reunite mom and papa.  I didn’t want to go back on my promise.

Madhu (understanding):  Even if it’s a nearly impossible promise, once made, it must be fulfilled.

Khushi:  Yes…but did Adi start thinking of you as more than a best friend?

Pankhudi:  No…I was still the best friend.  Everything was going well.  We made slight progress in mom and papa’s relationship.  But then my parents visited Diwan Mansion thinking I was in resident and have been accepted as the bahu.  Mom threw a fit and said she is against the marriage.  She gave us a test.  We can’t see or talk to each other for 15 days.  After that if we can still maintain our relationship, she’ll accept our marriage.

Kumud (groans):  Oh no!  Then what happened?

Pankhudi:  We passed the test.  (To Khushi and Madhu) I had a slight accident during our separation period.  And Adi finally realized that he loves me. 

Khushi:  Hai Devi Maiyya!  About time!

Madhu:  Thank goodness his brain started working.

Pankhudi:  Everything was finally going well.  Mom and papa almost reunited.  Mom even agreed to celebrate her 25th wedding anniversary.  But then the storm hit.  We all found out that massi became pregnant 15 years ago and she had an abortion with papa’s help.  Everyone thought massi and papa had an affair.  Nearly tore our family apart.  Adi and I could not move forward with our marriage.  Suffice to say, after all the drama, we manage to finally become true husband and wife.  But do we get any peace?  Noo…!  It’s always one thing or another trying to stir up trouble in our marriage.  (Sighs)  Yeh meri Pyaar ka Dard hai.

Khushi (shakes her head):  Pankhu…that’s nothing.  Let me tell you about my Laad Governor. 



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Hi all.  So this cooked up idea entered my head...how these ladies would narrate and complain about their love stories.   Next up is Khushi.  Hope you enjoy and please do share your thoughts and leave a comment.  Fingers crossed that it's not too corny. 



Jul 24, 2013

SS: Sex and the City – Desi Style! (By Tainar) (Thanked: 57 times)

Kumud (shakes her head):  Poor Arnav.  Doesn’t he get tired of hearing you call him Laad Governor?

Khushi (grins):  The other day I didn’t call Arnav Laad Governor the whole day and he became worried.  Arre…I call him Laad Governor with love.  He knows it too.

Madhu (grins):  I love calling RK sweetie pie, cutie pie and raspberry pie even though it makes him cringe.

Pankhudi (to Madhu and Kumud):  You two be quiet.  Khushi I want to hear your story.  How did you meet Arnav?  He’s so sweet and so loving with you.

Khushi (laughs):  Sweet and Laad Governor? (Laughs harder) He has sugar ka bimari, so sweet is his poison. 

Pankhudi (rolls her eyes):  You are seriously a Sanka Devi.  Now start!

Khushi (clears her throat):  Once upon a time there was a (holds hands up high) there was a shaitan, a rakshas as in my Laad Governor.  When he yelled, he breathed fire.  When he (stomps) walked, the earth shook. 

Pankhudi (rolls her eyes again):  Khushi…!

Khushi:  What? I was giving you a proper introduction.  Ok…I’ll start.  You know my jiji right?  Well her wedding was fixed but the turd she was marrying demanded the deed to my babuji’s sweet shop as her dowry.  (Hands on her hips) As I would ever let that happen!  So I thought before the wedding, I could go to the groom and his money hungry family and see if I could convince him to marry my jiji without the dowry.  So I took off and ended up at the Sheesh Mahal.  Here I was looking for the groom and or his family but do you know what happened?

Pankhudi (excitedly):  You met Arnav?

Madhu (dreamily):  So was it love at first sight?

Kumud:  Did he fall at your feet?

Khushi:  If only!  I inadvertently walked in on his fashion show.  You know how clumsy I am.  I can’t even walk straight without tripping.  So I ended up straight into his arms.

Madhu (whistles):  Hai Rabba!  So romantic!

Pankhudi (sighs): I wish my first meeting was like that.

Kumud (excitedly):  Then what happened?!?

Khushi (bites her fingernails):  What do you think happened?  That rakshas had me locked up in a room, guarded like some sort of criminal.  Then the rakshas came in and harassed me.  (Sniffles) Don’t know how I escaped.

Kumud, Madhu and Pankhudi: Oh Em Gee!  Arnav attacked you?!?

Khushi (frowns):  Yes!  He tore the beautiful pearl string dori on my dress.  Do you know how long it took me to get it fixed?  Laad Governor kahi ke. 

Madhu:  But how did you escape?

Khushi:  He let me go.  But by then the damage has already been done.  Jiji’s wedding broke.  Amma and Buaji were so angry with me.  Rakshas.  Now you all tell me does anyone lock up an innocent girl just like that?

Pankhudi (soothingly):  Of course not.  That was very beastly of Arnav.

Kumud (thoughtfully):  I would have slapped him.

Madhu:  I would have called the police on him for harassment!

Khushi (nods her head):  Why didn’t I know you girls back then?  Anyway…I saw him again when I was trying to return his mannat ka chabi.  Did you know that rakshas yelled at me again?  So I yelled right back at him.  (Places her hands on her hips) Showed that Laad Governor that he’s not the only one who can raise his voice.

Pankhudi:  Then what happened?!

Khushi (makes a face):  That rakshas released the video footage of me landing in his arms.  Jiji and I were out when the video aired.  We were harassed by a group of men.  We were saved by Snakewa…I mean Shyamji. 

Madhu:  Snakewa?

Khushi:  Patience…little wabbit…patience.  Because of that footage, we couldn’t stay in Lucknow.  Buaji brought jiji and I to Delhi.  I thought…ok…it will be a new start.  So I am driving in my scooter and guess who I collide with?

Kumud (teases):  Your Prince Charming?

Khushi (huffs):  More like my Beast!  He came in front of me on purpose and his car was slightly scratched.  He yelled so much.  I told him that I will pay him back for the damage.  (Bites her fingernails) I didn’t know he was going to ask for 1 lakh. 

Madhu:  Damn!  What did you do?

Khushi:  What else could I do?  I had to get a job.  First I tried selling sarees but that turned out to be a total disaster.  Then Shyamji got me a job at ARD.  I went to the interview with such confidence.  And who did I find out is the boss?

Pankhudi (teases):  Your Laad Governor?

Khushi:  Exactly!  Laad Governor.  I tried so hard to hide but that rakshas found me.  Then he made an indecent proposition.

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi:  What?!?  Indecent proposition?!?

Khushi:  Yes!  Indecent!  He had me sign a contract that he will pay me 1 lakh if I can last working 15 days in his company.  And if I quit before that, I pay him 1 lakh.  I thought how difficult can it possibly be?  I am smart and clever.  I can handle anything he throws at me.  So I signed the contract.  (Bites her fingernails) Little did I know, he would torture me day and night.

Madhu (mutters):  He must be RK’s long, lost brother.  Anger, playing games and torturing innocent young ladies?  Yeah...they have to be brothers.

Khushi (continues):  I barely survived each task.  He had me stay up all night to type his reports, take measurement of male models, monitor parking out in the cold rain, I got through each task.  Now tell me this. Is it my fault that he used to flaunt his girlfriend in his office?  I went to Shantivan to hand over the latest reports he had me type all night and sweet Di and Naniji invited me for breakfast.  I still can’t believe he is related to them!  (Bites her fingernails) And I accidentally spilled to Naniji that her Laad Governor had a girlfriend.

Pankhudi and Kumud:  He had a girlfriend?

Khushi:  Yes!  Lavanya was his girlfriend.  Now how is it my fault?  I didn’t know it was a secret from his family.  It’s not my responsibility to keep his character-dheelaness from his family.  Naniji gave Laad Governor an earful and he took it out on me.

Madhu:  What did he do?

Khushi:  He sent me to his about to fall apart, guest house.  I got stuck in the top floor and the house literally started to fall apart.

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Oh no!  So who rescued you?

Khushi:  Laad Governor.  As if rescuing me makes it acceptable for what he did!  And I told him so too, the day after the incident.  I promptly resigned too, hang the 1 lakh.  I thought I was done with Laad Governor.  But…no!  Anjaliji blackmailed me with the contract to help Lavanya, to mold her into an adarsh bahu.  (Bites her fingernails) I had to put up with so much.  Arnav’s taunting and Lavanya’s tantrums.  Then things started to get better.  Laad Governor actually softened up a bit. Yes!  His barbs against me decreased.  And Lavanya and I became very good friends. 

Madhu (excitedly):  So is that when the two of you started to fall in love?

Pankhudi:  Did Arnav dump Lavanya?

Kumud:  Did he ask you to marry you?

Khushi:  Laad Governor did none of that.  On Diwali night, he gave me back my mother’s payal which I thought I had lost.  He put it on my ankle so lovingly.

Madhu (whistles):  That’s so romantic!

Khushi (continues):  He even tried to kiss me.

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Oh My Gosh!  Please don’t tell us you stopped him!

Khushi (grimaces):  No.  My second sautan, his phone, interrupted the moment.  Then that Laad Governor yelled at me again said I am some cheap, middle class girl trying to trap him.

Madhu (angrily):  I would have slapped him silly for saying that!

Kumud (angrily):  Me too!

Pankhudi (sadly):  Shame on Arnav for uttering such cruel words.

Khushi (nods her head):  The same night Arnav got engaged to Lavanya.

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi:  What?!?  Same night?!?

Khushi:  Yes!  That rakshas did it just to hurt me.  Then he wanted to know how I felt about it.  Like I was going to actually tell him the truth!  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the same night buaji got me engaged to Shyamji.

Madhu:  Shyamji…as in Snakewa?  Why would she get you engaged to him?

Khushi (dismissively):  He was our paying guest and won buaji over easily with a few glib, charming lies.  Anyway, so we were both engaged.  Arnav and I barely mustered through the next few days.  While we were trying to deal with the mess that described our lives, jijaji was trying to woo jiji.  Of course when we found out, Laad Governor threw a fit that MY JIJI wasn’t fit to be Akash jijaji’s wife.  Can you believe him?  So I told him!  Laad Governor kahi ke.  For my jiji’s happiness, I convinced Laad Governor to help jijaji win over jiji.  (Claps her hands together) Of course my filmy (imitating Arnav’s tone) method worked.  Jiji confessed that she loves jijaji. 

Pankhudi:  How exciting! 

Madhu (excitedly):  And that when you and Arnav decided that you love each other and broke off your respective engagements?!?

Khushi (makes a face):  With Laad Governor is anything easy?  Two days before jiji’s engagement, I found out that Shyamji was already married…to Anjaliji!

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi (gasps):  Oh Em Gee!  That two-timing, cheating rat should have been hung by his tail!

Khushi (corrects):  Not rat.  Sssnakewa!  He was very slimy and slithered hither and dither just like a snake.  Anyway…I promptly broke off the engagement.  (Satisfactorily) I threw his cheap ring right back at his face.

Madhu (mutters):  I would have thrown something harder and more substantial at his head.

Khushi (continues):  The day after, I tried to tell Anjaliji about Snakewa.  But she was too much in love and too superstitious to handle the truth.  So I kept quiet.  (Holds up her hand)  I know…I know…big mistake!  So jiji and Akash jiju got engaged.  For some reason Arnav and Lavanya broke up.

Kumud (teases):  Lavanya knew she couldn’t compete with you.

Khushi (blows her bangs off her forehead):  Hmmphh!  Before Jiji’s wedding, Arnav and I became closer.  He was actually…unbelievably…SWEET!

Madhu (whistles):  He was wooing you babes.

Khushi (makes a face):  That’s what I thought too!  Arnav bought bangles for me, surreptitiously helped me pick out a saree that naniji wanted to gift me, gave me bindhi for my forehead.  All sure signals that he is interested!

Pankhudi:  Oh no!  So he wasn’t actually interested?  He did as a friendly gesture?

Khushi:  Listen na!  So the day of the wedding, I went to the guest room assigned to me and jiji.  And a message was written on the window with red lipstick.  Meet me at the rooftop.  I have something important to tell you.

Madhu (jumps up and claps):  Hayee!  So Arnav proposed to you?

Kumud (excitedly):  So sweet!  Tell us quickly what did he do?

Pankhudi (dreamily):  Did he give you flowers?  Dance for you?  Sing for you?

Madhu (mischievously):  I just want to know if there were any… (winks) fireworks.

Khushi (makes a face):  None of that!  I eagerly went to the rooftop but it was the Snakewa who wrote that message.  I tried to leave but he grabbed my arms tight and pulled me close.

Madhu (mutters):  Should have kneed him.

Khushi (continues):  The disgusting creature professed his love and said he doesn’t care about Anjali.  He pulled me into a hug.  (Shudders) Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.  I told him to leave Anjali because she deserves someone so much better than him.  After I gave him a piece of my mind, I thought that I need to tell Arnav.  I went searching for him.  Did you know he was really cold to me?  Before I can even address the issue, Di fainted.  Then we found out that she was actually pregnant.  With her delicate condition and even more fragile mindset, I couldn’t tell her about Snakewa and I didn’t get a chance to tell Arnav.  Right before jiji’s wedding, he approached me.  And do you know what that Laad Governor said?  HE SAID HE WILL STOP JIJI’S WEDDING UNLESS I AGREE TO ENTER INTO A CONTRACT MARRIAGE WITH HIM FOR 6 MONTHS!

Kumud (gasps):  What a jerk to even suggest something so sacrilegious!

Pankhudi:  Didn’t he tell you the reason for the suddenly offering…a contract marriage?!?

Madhu (mutters angrily):  Ok…Arnav and RK must be long, lost brothers.  Both mocked the sanctity of marriage with a contract.

Khushi (continues):  No!  He gave no reason just demanded that I comply!  Arnav threatened Akash jiju will do as he wants.  If he wants to stop the wedding, he can.  I didn’t want my jiji’s wedding to break again because of me.  So I agreed to his reprehensible terms!  After jiji and Akash jijaji’s wedding, we snuck of to get married.  A half-ass marriage at that too!  In front of Devi Maiyya, he just put sindoor in my head and tied mangalsutra around my neck but then professed that he does not consider me as his wife.  We didn’t take a single phere!

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Jerk! 

Khushi (nods her head in agreement):  Jerk squared!  (Continues) We went back to Shantivan as a newly wedded couple.  Everyone was very upset.  Arnav actually ABANDONED me to deal with our families.  My amma and buaji disowned me.  My in-laws were very angry with me.  I had to hear all sorts of taunts from mamiji.  (Sniffles) I was orphaned once again.  I went into our room and demanded answers.  But like a coward he drove off!  Next day, to pacify naniji, Anjaliji arranged to do gharpravesh for me.  She had me dress up in bridal attire and then helped me sit like a blushing bride on my marriage bed.  Blushing bride indeed!  When all I wanted to do was strangle Laad Governor for the hurt, pain and humiliation I was suffering!  So naturally, I stepped off the bed as soon as Anjaliji left and that rakshas entered.  We had a huge fight.  He said he can’t breathe the same air as me!  He threw me out of our room, out into the cold.

Madhu (mutters):  RK’s long lost brother…of course he would do torture his new bride.

Khushi:  Days went by.  Laad Governor and I were engaged in our Cold War while we had to pretend to be all lovey dovey in front of the family.  (Makes a face) More like he did, first few times actually got my hopes up!  Then Holi came and something special happened.

Kumud:  Arnav realized he was acting like an ass and apologized? 

Pankhudi:  Told you the reason for the marriage? 

Khushi (shakes her head in the negative):  No.  But I reunited with my family again.  Amma and Buaji forgave me for the hasty wedding.  Naniji forgave me too.  We all had a good time, even with that Snakewa slithering around.  Did you know he tried to put gulal on me first?  Thank goodness Laad Governor came just in time.  We both accidentally drunk bhang.  (Smiles mischievously)  Well…I tricked him into drinking bhang.  We both confessed our feelings for each other.  (Grimaces) Then the effect of the bhang just had to go POOF!  Laad Governor was back to acting like a rakshas again and we went back to our Cold War!  Then naniji signed me up to do a contest with her.  All the ladies in our family participated in this competition, the rest were in the audience for support.  Yes even that Laad Governor was there!  By mistake, we got the wrong costume.  For Heer and Ranjha!  Naniji couldn’t do that part so she convinced Arnav to do the part. 

Madhu:  And?  Did he realize that he actually loves you and stop the nonsense?!?

Khushi (grimaces):  No!  As if Laad Governor, does anything easily.  He was raw, emotional during the play.  Got my hopes up again.  (Hits her head) You would think I had learned my lesson to not fall for his acts.  We again had a huge fight backstage.  Then Anjaliji was feeling faint backstage.  She sent me with that Snakewa to get her medicine from the pharmacy.  (Shudders) Spending any time with that slithering, slimy creature gave me the creeps.  Laad Governor was still angry so we went back to Shantivan and our fight escalated.  That rakshas!  He broke the jewelry set that naniji gave me so lovingly.  He wished he didn’t have to hear or see me.  So I complied with his wishes.

Kumud:  What did you do?  Go back to your parents?

Khushi:  No.  I gave Laad Governor the silent treatment.  I also stayed out of his way.  Spent my time tutoring cutesie little kids.  Even told them the story of Beauty and the Beast.  (Laughs)  And the poor kids thought Arnav was the beast. 

Pankhudi (teases):  How long did your silence treatment last?  Few hours?

Khushi (proudly):  A whole day!  But that didn’t work as well.  So I decided to make a list – 100 ways to Annoy Laad Governor.  (Claps her hands) I gave it back to that rakshas.  Showered him with so much fake love, it drove him mad!  (Mischievous smile) I think he would have puked if he heard me call him swami one more time.  (Laughs) He actually demanded that I call him Laad Governor instead.

Madhu (smiles wickedly):  That’s right!  It’s a two way street.  He can’t treat you like dirt and expect you to just take it without retaliation. 

Khushi (nods her head in agreement):  I trickily arranged for us to stay at my Buaji’s small house for a few days.  I wanted to see how the Laad Governor coped without all the luxuries.  Within a few hours he installed an AC.  Snubbed my amma’s lovingly cooked food.  (Concedes) Ok…fine…so I told amma to drown the vegetables with oil.  But still that was rude of him.  Instead he order (sarcastic) gourmet Italian food.  Italian?  Italian?  That bland food over our desi khanna?  Mad I tell you!  (Pensively) Then he changed tracks.  Somehow became more understanding, even developed a rapport with my buaji. 

Pankhudi:  And you fell in love all over again.

Khushi (makes a face):  Especially after he set my best friend’s groom straight.  He told to stand up to his family and to support his wife all the time.  Of course he could have done the same for me and jiji whenever mamiji taunted us.  Finally our Cold War was thawing then I overheard his conversation over the phone with Lavanya.  I became suspicious.  I was watching the horoscope news and horror of horrors!  He said that some men are destined to have their first wives die.  A man may marry a random girl as his first wife, kill her and then marry his love.  (Snaps her fingers) Finally I understood why that Laad Governor broke up with Lavanya and why he married me.  For the whole day, I thought he was trying to kill me.  (Gulps)  The next day, I decided that I will go out of this world in my own terms.  I refused to give him the satisfaction of killing me!  So I went up to the rooftop to commit suicide.

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi:  What?!?  Are you crazy?

Khushi:  In hindsight, I completely agree.  I was completely nuts to try to kill myself for a man.  Even if that man is my husband.  So Laad Governor came storming up to rescue me.  I told him the ****amamie reason that I thought he married me.  Of course then that Rakshas broke my heart into millions of pieces.  He married me for 6 months because of Slithering Snakewa.  Can you believe he thought we were having an affair?!?

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi:  What?!?  The idiot!  Did you clear up the misunderstanding?

Khushi:  I tried!  He called me all sorts of names and left me to rot on the rooftop.  I somehow pulled myself together and went back to buaji’s house.  From there, we left for Shantivan.  I was restless.  I had to prove to Arnav that I am not a gold-digging s**t.  I had to prove that I am not having an affair with that Snakewa.  Laad Governor barely gave me a chance to prove anything.  The next day, he left for London, even after I begged him to listen to me.

Kumud (mutters):  Men!  They think they use their brains more often than we do when in fact they are more emotional than we are.  Take decisions in anger.

Khushi:  I was restless.  Couldn’t shake of the feeling that something was wrong.  Laad Governor didn’t call for days.  Then out of the blue, he called.  Do you know what he said to me over the phone?  I Love You!  Can you believe it?

Madhu (confused):  That’s a bad thing?

Khushi:  Yes!  He can’t just say I love you.  Not after the way we parted.  I knew something was wrong.  So I started my jasoosi, my investigation.  I just knew Arnav was in trouble.  Even mamiji helped too.  (Smiles) We retrieved airport tape record and saw in the footage that Laad Governor was escorted out of the airport by a group of men. In our search, we ended up near the place Arnav was kept.  Mamiji and I split up.  As I was looking around, I saw a guy at the pharmacy buying diabetic meds and I noticed the tattoo on his hand.  One of the men who kidnapped Arnav also had same tattoo.  So I followed him, I was attacked from behind and blacked out.  Woke up in the room next to Arnav’s.  I just knew it…I could feel my heartbeat accelerate.  I finally found Laad Governor after all these days.  We had a short reunion but then had to make a run for it into the forest.  Those goondas were still after us.  It was nightfall, and we ended up at a hut.  (Dreamily)  It was magical.

Madhu (winks):  Fireworks?

Khushi (blushes):  Chup!  Nothing happened anyway.  The kidnappers surrounded the hut.  Arnav hit me on the head and covered me up with hay so they don’t find me.  Next day I woke up and realized he was taken again.  So again I started my investigation to find him.  (Jumps and holds her hands out wide) I received series of clues that it was Snakewa behind the kidnapping.  I decided to confront him and went up to his room to give him a piece of mind.  (Grimaces) I inadvertently ended up yelling at Nanheji.  Well…it was good thing because he believed my story and started to help me the investigation.  Snakewa to throw us off course sent gifts under Arnav’s name.  (Smiles)  Laad Governor managed to send a clue a clue of where he’s being kept.

Pankhudi:  So did you rescue him?

Khushi:  He set himself free before I could play the dame in shining armor.  (Angrily) That Snakewa then took me as hostage.  He drove off with me and when he knew Arnav would catch up to me, he left me tied in the middle of the road.  Laad Governor rescued me, fought off all the goons and finally we were safe.  Before entering Shantivan, I told him everything that has happened in his absence.

Kumud (demands):  Did he believe you?

Khushi (smiles):  Yes…finally he did.  We went back into Shantivan and told everyone the truth about Snakewa.  He tried to put the blame on me and jiji.  Nanheji tried to back up my claims but unfortunately he lost all the evidence.  Finally Arnav kicked him out of the house but Di then fell apart.  Anjaliji became suicidal.  She started to hate me and thought I was the reason for her unhappiness.  She stopped eating and no one was trying to convince her to eat.  Now tell how’s that good for the baby?  So I went to her room begging her to please eat just for the baby.  Do you know what she did?

Madhu:  Jump out the window?

Khushi: Close enough!  She went to the hospital to get an abortion.  But by then she was already 6 months along and abortion wasn’t an option.  So she tried to cut out the baby from her womb but Arnav rushed in and stopped it just in time.  (Makes a face) Mamiji of course had to fill Laad Governor’s ears that I pushed Anjaliji to take such a drastic action.

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Oh God!  What did he do?

Khushi:  What the Laad Governor does best!  He huffed, puffed and shouted the roof over my head.  He said his life was perfect before I entered his and wished he had never met me.

Madhu (darkly):  I hope you set him straight!

Khushi (continues):  Like always, he runs off like a coward.  I decided what am I doing here?  This is not a marriage.  So I packed up my belongings and decided to leave Shantivan forever.  Do you know what that rakshas did?  He brought up the contract again!  Even after all that I have done for him!

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi (gasps):  How dare he?!?

Khushi:  Well I suppose it was just an excuse to keep me around so he can woo me.  I found an excuse to go back to buaji’s house.  Of course, he loves using his contracts and games and brought me back to Shantivan.

Madhu (mutters):  Arnav and RK are not just long lost brothers but they may just as well be fraternal twins! 

Khushi:  I told him that we are not married because we didn’t follow all the rituals.  I explained all the ones that we didn’t fulfill.  And do you know what that Laad Governor suggested?  We start backwards from Suhag Raat!

Madhu (whistled): So did you?

Khushi:  NO!  Laad Governor as usual got angry and dragged me up to the rooftop.  He thought if he just created a fire and did the pheres everything would be ok.  But of course once Laad Governor is on a certain course, it’s hard to deter him.  But then dadi walked in on us.  Ohh yes…forgot to tell you.  Arnav’s long forgotten dadi just showed up out of the blue.  She hated me.  Unfortunately…well…no fortunately, she heard me say our marriage is incomplete.  Arnav threw a fit, declared his love for me in a most passionate manner.  (Imitating Arnav’s voice) I love you dammit!  But like the coward that he is, runs off for his tryst with his beloved car.

Pankhudi:  But what did dadi do?

Khushi:  She tried to get me kicked out of the house of course!  Arnav was gone the whole night.  I woke up and went downstairs and there was dadi.  She waited till my buaji arrived before launching her attack against me.  Buaji was ready to drag me out of the house when just in time Laad Governor came.  (Smiles) Dadi did me a service because Arnav agreed to marry me with all the rituals. 

Madhu, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Halleluja!

Khushi:  So we went through each ritual.  The day of my mehendi we also held Anjali’s baby shower.  (Sad) But Di she met with an accident and lost the baby.  She was lost again.  After we brought her back home, I saw Snakewa sneak into her room.  And then I realized she was fine again before the miscarriage because she was secretly seeing the slithering creature.  So even knowing how angry Laad Governor would get, I brought him back so Anjaliji could recover.

Kumud:  On a scale of 1 to 10 how angry was he?

Khushi:  His anger was of the scale, as usual.  He’s a Laad Governor.  What else can you expect?  After all the hissy fits, our wedding rituals resumed again.  Fast forwarding to the night before the wedding.  (Blushes) We spent a lovely time together err…star gazing. 

Madhu (teases):  Yes I can imagine you did indeed…see stars, that is.

Khushi:  Hmmph!  So the day of the wedding arrived.  Everything was going well.  I was all decked up in my bridal finery.  Waiting at the mandap for my groom.  Arnav was supposed to come with his dadi but she arrived alone.  The witch dropped a bomb on us that Arnav’s papa had an affair with my amma.  Amma cried for us to believe that she didn’t know that he was married.  Of course I will believe her over that dadi.  She had to wait till the day of the wedding to drop the bomb?  Everyone thought the wedding would not happen but I refused to budge.  I refused to believe that Laad Governor would punish me our parents past.  After many hours, Arnav finally arrived at the mandap, albeit slightly bruised.  At first I thought he would refuse to remarry me and I nearly fainted.  But Laad Governor does like to surprise me.  So after all the drama and obstacles we finally got married with all the rituals. 

Madhu (excitedly):  So where did you go for your honeymoon?

Khushi (to Madhu):  Madhu…your mind is always in the gutter.

Madhu (shrugs):  It’s all part of the package of being married to a Superstar.

Khushi:  No we didn’t go on a honeymoon.  After the wedding, we were too busy getting Snakewa out of lives again.  Then Arnav’s ex came into the picture to stir up trouble.  We didn’t get a moments peace.  Anything and everything triggers arguments and leads us to do stupid things.  Our family claims we spend more time waging war than anything else.  (Shrugs) Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon?  Nanheji suggests WAR. 

Madhu (to Khushi):  At least you always knew what was on Arnav’s mind even during the Cold War.  Nothing is ever easy or simple with RK.  



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Good Lord!  Khushi's part ended up super long.  Hope you enjoyed Sanka Devi's narration.  Next up is Madhu. 

Jul 26, 2013

SS: Sex and the City Desi Masala! (By Tainar) (Thanked: 37 times)

Pankhudi (to Madhu):  So how did you and RK meet?

Madhu (stands up and dramatically holds her hands wide):  Before the feature presentation begins, please turn off all cell phones…

Kumud (rolls her eyes):  Oye…Nautanki.  You’re telling a story not showing us a movie.

Madhu (finger to her lips):  Shh.  I am  not Nautanki just my life with RK is just like a movie.  Full of dramatic twists and turns.  Nothing else I guess should be expected since I am married to the biggest Nautanki in Town! 

Khushi (giggles):  You’re no less!  You’re Nautanki personified.

Madhu (teases):  Sanka Devi… pot calling the kettle black?

Pankhudi (impatiently):  Sanka Devi…hush!  Nautanki start your story now.

Madhu (teases):  My…my…I didn’t know our Pankhu could be so demanding.  (Serious tone) Once upon a time, there was a girl as in (pointing at herself) yours truly.  My whole family worked in the film industry.  (Grimaces) But I had no interest in taking part of Bollywood tinsel town.  No I was a happy go lucky girl, quite content as a hairdresser.  I had befriended a salesman named Mukand Dixit.

Khushi (impatiently):  Where does RK come into the picture?!?

Madhu:  Patience Ms. Jalebi.  One night, Mukand and I had just parted ways when (dramatically) he was hit by a car.  The driver was none other than the bad boy of our Tinsel Town, Superstar Mr. Rishab Kundra.

Kumud (teases):  So you left the injured Mukund, jumped into RK’s car and drove off into the sunset?

Madhu:  Nahin yaar.  RK wouldn’t have been able to handle it if there weren’t any dramatic twists and turns in our story.  So I got my injured friend admitted in the nearest hospital.  Afterwards, I filed a police report against RK.

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Oh Em Gee!  Then what happened?

Madhu (sighs dramatically):  What do you think?  Mr. Rishab Kundra has a lot of influence and he wields it well, trying to stay out of prison.  Na-ah!  Not on my watch!  I wanted justice for Mukund.  So I walked into the lion’s den.

Pankhudi:  Did you go all gladiator on RK?

Madhu:  My wit and tongue is my sword and yes I wielded it quite effectively.  (Slight smile) At first, he thought I was the heroine for his new movie.  Must say though, my entry was quite dramatic.  Then again it should be for my first meeting with the Superstar, right?  We verbally parried and I told him that I won’t rest till I see that he is punished.  (Dramatic sigh)  That day I threw down the gauntlet and start of RK’s game.

Kumud:  Ohh Madhu. You just had to invite trouble didn’t you?

Madhu (sighs):  An unfortunate characteristic of being a jungli billi.

Khushi:  So what did your Nautanki Pati do?

Madhu:  Divide and conquer.  My didu was a huge fan of RK and she fancied herself in love with him too.

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Oh no!

Madhu:  She’s not terribly good actress.  (Threatens)  Anyone of claim I said that, and I will deny it!  Anyway, she’s not very good at least not enough to be a heroine in any movie.  But she, with the encouragement from my bua, Roma, thought she could make it big.  Despite hundreds of rejection from various directors and producers.  Her luck turned that night, or so she thought.  RK the Superstar threw out his first challenge.  He called my didu and invited her to his mansion for a role in his movie.  Like the dodo that she was, didu and Roma, hurried off to his crib.  RK of course made sure that I knew what he was doing.  That night, my relationship with my didu was ruined because she thought I was an impediment to her fulfilling her dreams.

Pankhudi:  That was quick.

Madhu (sighs):  Yes it was.  It was bound to happen though since didu has always been self-fish.  My confrontation with RK generated a lot of buzz.  Mukund’s mother also got in front of news camera, pleading for her son.  With all the media attention, RK was arrested.  RK’s lawyer and assistant instead of trying to get him bailed tried to bribe Mukund to drop the case.  That backfired.  And by then it was too late to get him bail and the court closed for holiday.  So RK was in prison for 4 days before he received bail. 

Khushi (holds her head):  Hai Devi Maiyya!  RK must have been livid!

Madhu:  Livid enough to take the game up to the next level.  He continued with his games with didu.  He gave her false hope that her dream is turning into a reality.  Meanwhile Mukund has recovered and he proposed to me.

Kumud (shocked):  Did you accept? 

Pankhudi:  Did you love him?

Madhu (thoughtfully):  No I didn’t love him.  I thought since we were friends it was a good basis for a marriage.  So I accepted.  On the day of our engagement, didu invited RK to the party.

Khushi:  Hai Devi Maiyya!  So he realized that he’s actually attracted to you and stopped the engagement?

Madhu (shakes her head):  No RK came to the party as if he had every right to be there.  Never mind that he almost killed Mukund.  We were all dancing and like a klutz I slipped.

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  We are all afflicted with the same disease!

Madhu:  And guess whose arms did I land?

Kumud (teases):  Right into your darling nautanki pati’s arms.

Madhu (nods her head):  Well he certainly wasn’t my darling nautanki pati then.  But I still couldn’t help but feel a certain attraction to the dratted man.  Apparently I was in his arms long enough for someone, I bet one of RK’s chamcha, to click a picture of us.

Pankhudi (agitated):  Oh no!  Please don’t tell me the picture was published?

Madhu (pretends to hold a newspaper):  With full national honor our picture was on the front page of all the newspapers and gossip columns.

Khushi (mutters):  He’s just like Laad Governor.  Publish an innocent girl’s picture and destroy her reputation.  RK must be his long lost brother.

Madhu:  They all implied we were in a relationship.  My reputation was in shreds.  Mr. Rishab Kundra immediately came to our service.  He promised Malik that he will clear all misunderstanding.  So what did he do?  He set up a press conference as he was often wont to do.

Kumud (hopefully):  So he cleared your name and then married you to save your reputation?

Madhu (laughs):  Far from it.  Oh no…RK played a good game.  He fanned the rumor mills more and confirmed that we were secretly in a relationship. 

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi (gasps):  Monster!  What did you do?

Madhu:  I didn’t have a chance to breathe.  Under his mother’s influence, Mukund dropped the case and broke off our engagement.  I was heartbroken.  How could my life all of a sudden take such a drastic turn?  Malik was also heartbroken and livid to see my tears, so he went after RK.  (Tears in her eyes) He tried to gain access to RK but his security guards beat Malik really badly.  Malik had to be hospitalized.

Pankhudi:  RK had Malik beaten up?!?

Khushi (angrily):  Rakshas!

Madhu (clarifies):  Well his assistant, Bittuji, gave the orders.  But I held RK equally responsible.  He had Malik admitted to a hospital.  I was stressed.  I was worried if the man I love just like a father would survive.  What did that janwar do?  He taunted that the game is over and he won.

Kumud (angrily):  I hope you gave him an excellent, most fitting reply for his callous, heartless behavior!

Madhu:  I saw red and I only had one thing on my mind, to pay Rishab Kundra back.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  My body just wasn’t my own.   My feet just started moving on its own, I couldn’t have stopped even if I willed it.  I left the hospital and ended up in RK’s studio.  He smirked…he actually smirked and I just snapped.  So I slapped him four times in front of all his crew and told him that now the game is over.

Khushi (holds her head):  Hai Devi Maiyya!  You walked into the lion’s den and enraged him?

Pankhudi:  Oh no!  Did he retaliate?

Madhu (nods her head):  Malik needed surgery and the doctors refused to operate unless we paid 40 lacs up front.  We didn’t have that kind of money.  These doctors refused to save a life for money. 

Kumud:  What did you do?

Madhu (looks down):  RK offered a deal that I couldn’t refuse for Malik’s sake.  He offered to pay the cost of the operation if I agreed to marry him.  And I would become is personal property to do as his pleases. His to torture for 40 years for the 4 slaps.  I can’t and wouldn’t be able to break the marriage till the amount of 40 lacs is paid in full.

Khushi (mutters):  He is definitely Laad Governor’s long lost brother.  No respect for the sanctity of marriage to offer a contract marriage just to avenge 4 slaps.

Madhu:  So I agreed to those terms and we got married.  In the very studio I slapped him.  I humiliated him so he had to complete mine in front of his crew.  I was numb and RK was roaring drunk.  We only took 4 pheras for the 4 slaps.  He refused to take the last 3 because it meant following me around the fire.  And he’s RK the Superstar.  He doesn’t follow anyone.  RK threw the mangalsutra at me instead of tying it around my neck.  He didn’t put sindoor on my forehead but poured it out.  I just stood there…numb.

Kumud (angrily):  I would have killed him!

Pankhudi (anxiously):  Then what happened?

Madhu:  He dragged me back to the hospital.  To say my family was shocked, would be a big understatement.  The humiliation wasn’t over either.  He dragged me to his house, lined me up with the servants and told them that I was one of them.  Then he dragged me into the room that was mine in those days.  To commemorate our mockery of a wedding, he gave a bed full of thorns instead of roses.  Everything was a blur…finally he left me alone.  Alone to think what my life has become.

Khushi:  Rakshas!  (Mutters) Don’t know who taught whom, but Laad Governor and this rakshas are definitely brothers.

Madhu:  Next few days were a blur.  I was still numb.  Didn’t have any fight left in me.  RK continued to humiliate me and I just took it. 

Kumud (mutters darkly):  I would have mixed poison in his tea.

Madhu (continues):  Malik finally gained consciousness and I ran to see him.  I had to see how my father was doing.  But that janwar had to come after me and humiliate Malik.  He showed him the contract that stated that I will remain married to RK as in his personal property till the 40 lacs are paid.  You should have seen Malik’s expression.  He was horrified!  I was so angry again…the numbness thawed.  RK wants to humiliate me?  But I won’t be taking it lying down anymore.  No…I started to talk back, threw away his drinks and just caused an uproar.

Pankhudi:  You go girl! 

Madhu:  Maa is a junior artist and she needed a job.  She ended up at RK’s studio, not know it is his.  He humiliated her in front of the entire crew!  How dare he?  It’s one thing to keep humiliating and insulting me!  But my maa?  I promised RK that I would get him to apologize to her in 24 hours. 

Khushi:  Well…did he apologize in 24 hours?

Madhu (nods her head):  That night…I received an anonymous envelope.  It contained a picture of RK as a kid with his father.  It was a very happy and cute picture.  I couldn’t believe the kid in that picture was the janwar I knew.  The letter instructed that the picture is very private to RK.  If I threaten to publish it, then RK will give in to my demands.  Not thinking much about the consequences, I did what the letter instructed.  RK of course proceeded to get roaring drunk and then finally in the middle of the night he dragged me with him to the chawl.  I made him apologize to my maa for the humiliation.  But you see…even though I didn’t send the picture to any newspaper, it still got published.  RK was furious!  He organized a party designed just to humiliate me.  The janwar had me dressed up, introduced me to the partygoers as his wife.  Then proceeded to humiliate me by making me be a waitress and then you know what he did?

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Did he realize he was wrong and stop humiliating you?

Madhu (shakes her head):  No…he threatened to kiss me in front of all.  But then loudly proclaimed that I am not worthy of earning a kiss from him.

The girls gasp loudly at the meaty insult!

Madhu (continues):  I was thoroughly humiliated.  In the middle of a raging storm, I left the house.  Didn’t know where I was going but ended up in the studio.  I walked on to the very bridge I first met RK and it gave in.  I fell through and was holding on barely by my fingertips.  Then I felt a strong grip on my hand and I looked up and it was…RK!  Though I resisted his help, he pulled me up and safely off the bridge right before the exposed wire fell into the water and caused a mini explosion. 

Khushi (gleefully):  So he repented his behavior and came to rescue you!

Kumud:  Did he realize at that time that he actually had feelings for you?

Madhu (shakes her head):  But that was a pivotal moment for me.  The door was jammed and we were stuck inside for the whole night.  That night I saw the human inside RK I got a glimpse of how he ended up being the drunk, heartless monster.  He was deeply affected by his father’s suicide and the picture that was published was taken a few hours before papa’s death.  He also took care of me and my needs. (Laughs) Though at that time, he claimed that he was only protecting his investment.

Pankhudi (excitedly):  So the beast shed his skin to reveal that he is human after all!

Madhu (laughs):  Not fully but it was a start.  We went back home and I met his bhabi, Sikky’s wife, Dipali.  I should have known right then that she was a good for nothing Gutter Queen.  Her presence disturbed RK so he moved me out of my room and into his.  RK’s mom…maa and I had a chat about RK’s past.  He gave no respect to his mother but used to refer to her as his janam de ne wali aurat.   I was incredibly shocked to learn that RK had full faith in Bappa.  It was hard to reconcile that image with the man I knew.  That day I promised maa that I will bring back her son and return Bappa back into his life.

Khushi (mutters):  RK is just like Laad Governor.  He too does not believe in bhagwan.  They have to be long lost brothers.

Pankhudi (excitedly):  How sweet!

Madhu (continues):  With full pomp and ceremony, I brought Bappa home.  (Laughs) RK of course resisted but he can say OUT and PACKUP all he wants but he couldn’t throw Bappa out.  I wanted to celebrate Ganeshotsav at the chawl with my family.  Maa, the Bhatias, they all joined me at the celebration.  To my everlasting surprise, RK joined us later, full on dramatic entry.  (Laughs) Nautanki.  Then…then out of nowhere…we heard a gunshot.  RK…RK…he was…he was…shot.



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Alright..Madhu's part is taking a lot longer than I had anticipated.  Love this show too much and I can't help but be long-winded.  Ok...so next update will be as you have probably already guessed will still be Madhu's narration. Please enjoy! 

Jul 27, 2013

SS: Sex and the City – Desi Style! (By Tainar) (Thanked: 32 times)

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Oh no!

Madhu (continues):  We took him to the hospital.  He lost a lot of blood and his blood group is O-.  It shockingly matched with mine.  I gave him blood but his life was still in danger, the surgeons were slowly losing him.  Maa wanted to go the SiddhiVinayak to pray for RK but she was in no condition.  I walked there, praying all the way.  I returned with Bappa’s blessing, only to be told that RK was no more.

Kumud:  Stupid doctors to declare a man dead before his time!  Obviously RK is alive and well now.

Madhu (nods her head):  I refused to believe the doctors and barged into the operation room.  I prayed and with Bappa’s blessing, RK came back from the dead.  I don’t know how but my feelings for him started to change.  I stayed in the hospital with him and there was another attempt on his life.  We decided that he would recover better home and since then…well…things between us started to change.  (Laughs) He was a difficult patient but he was also caring in his own twisted way.  I had to turn into Mr. India to feed him.  (Laughs again) He threw fits just like a 5 year old child.  Maa held a pooja for RK. 

Khushi (shocked):  He actually sat down for the pooja?

Madhu:  Yes he actually sat down for the pooja.  Of course he left the pooja with as much drama with which we entered.  RK can’t eat or sleep till he gets to say some dialogue.  He went back up to his room and I didn’t realize but Malik went up there too. I walked in on them talking and Malik looked upset.  Naturally, afterwards I told RK off.

Pankhudi:  What did he do?

Madhu:  In his zidh, he refused to take his medicine.  No…my darling patidev decided that he should watch Mr. India.  As annoyed as I was with him, I wanted him to take the meds.  So I marched up there and told him to take his meds but he countered that he will take it if I sit down and eat my dinner and watch the movie with him. 

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  How sweet!

Madhu (continues):  I closed my eyes during the scene Tina was killed.  I shared with RK that Malik used to fast forward or turn off the video when we used to get to that scene.  Even though he is not my biological father, he has always loved and protected didu and I.  I was quite sentimental and upset that RK had to humiliate the man who is like a God to me.  He took me back to the chawl and I didn’t know why.  RK and Malik had a chat in private.  I don’t know what they discussed but it seemed as if they were resolving their differences.  RK told my parents that he is leaving me behind for a few days since I was missing them.  And (smiles) I was so confused then, RK told Malik that he is leaving me in his care and not to break my heart.

Khushi (whistles):  RK was head over heels in love but just didn’t realize it.

Madhu (laughs):  Well apparently so was I but didn’t realize it.  I stayed just 1 day at my parents.  Just 1 measly day.  (Laughs) I was too worried whether RK was taking his meds, eating food properly.  Uff…in short, I was thinking just like a biwi.  So the next evening, I returned home.  And did you know that rakshas threw water at me?  He tried to come up with some ridiculous excuse.  (Laughs) I couldn’t help it but watching him try to hide his laughter just made me laugh. 

Pankhudi:  So sweet!  So when did you two confess your love for each other?

Madhu:  Arre…dramatic twists and turns abhi baki hain.  The police came and showed us new evidence.  The perpetrator left his necklace during the second murder attempt.  I looked closer and it was the same as Malik’s missing necklace.  I think my expression gave it away, RK told the police to drop the case.

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  What?  So Malik was trying to kill RK?

Madhu:  I snuck back to the chawl.  The other night I saw Malik bury something in the ground.  I dug it up and (tears in her eyes) it was a gun.  I confronted him…how could he think to take a human life?  Maa walked in on our conversation and we were demanding explanation from him when the police came with Dipali and Sikky to arrest Malik.  I was angry with him for the murder attempts but he was still my father, so I went to the police station.  And deep down I understood he did it for me, to protect me, to rescue me from what he thought was a horrible marriage.

Kumud:  Of course.  Malik was just being a protective father.  Was he charged?

Madhu (shakes her head):  RK came to the police station, had the charges dropped and permanently had the case closed.  I overheard RK telling Malik that he didn’t do it for him but for someone else. 

Khushi (claps gleefully):  Awww!  He did it for you!

Madhu (nods her head):  Malik was set free but I just couldn’t forgive him.  I was so confused.  Why would RK drop the case against Malik?  I thought he hated me.  Why would he do it for me?  As I am often wont to do, I set off on foot again and arrived home.  Of course the Gutter Queen was there ready to create hungama. 

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  What did that disgusting creature do?

Madhu (angrily):  Tried to kick me out of the house!  She and all the Bhattias insulted me so much and maa?  She turned against me because I broke her trust.  But she should have understood right that I was in between a rock and a hard place?  The Gutter Queen had my bag packed and she pushed me out the door and I landed in RK’s arms.

Kumud (whistles):  Excellent aim Dipali!

Madhu:  RK guided me back inside and told me in no uncertain terms to go upstairs to our room.  I hesitated but nautanki pati started with his dialogue so I went upstairs.  Knowing him, he probably gave the Bhattias a piece of his mind.  I was in our room, sad that everyone has turned against me.  It broke my heart that maa thought I would plot against RK.  Did he also believe I would try to get him killed?  RK walked into our room and I couldn’t help but cry on his shoulders.  I needed reassurance that he didn’t think I would be part of his murder plot. 

Khushi (demands):  Well?  Did he believe you?

Madhu (smiles):  Yes he did and he was actually very sweet about it.  

Khushi (mutters):  Laad Governor didn’t believe me when I proclaimed loudly my innocence.  Still…I think these two are definitely brothers.

Pankhudi (eagerly):  Then what happened?

Madhu:  Everyone in the house was against me.  It was a bit like Us against the World.  I was incredibly hurt by everyone’s cold behavior.  RK took me to his special spot by the river.  He knew I felt betrayed by Malik.  I also had questions why RK took back the case against him.  I saw a new RK that day and fully saw why he became the man that was more than a year ago.  Everyone he held dear betrayed him.  He didn’t want me to feel that pain and that’s why he tried to hide Malik’s attempts and bury the case.  (Smiles) I still remember he said that he wouldn’t wish such a pain on an enemy so how could he let me go through it? 

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Aww!  So sweet!

Madhu (continues):  Next day, RK’s maa wanted me to leave him because she thought I was a danger to his life.  She gave my maa 40 lacs to pay RK and break the contract.  Dearest pati of course became livid and put an end to that drama.  Over the next few days, I couldn’t help but realize that I had fallen madly in love with this infuriating, enigmatic man.  (Grins) RK tedha hai lekin mera hai.

Khushi (teases):  Hai…hai!  So did you confess first to your dearest pati?  (Puckers up her lips) I lou you…I lou you…make me mine.

Madhu (blushes):  Not exactly.  Karva Chauth came around and I saw all the ladies, Dipali and maa, taking part and getting ready for it.  I so badly wanted to join in but maa forbade me.  RK saw my longing and said he doesn’t believe in a ritual that women starve and decrease their lifespan and add it on to their husbands. 

Khushi (mutters):  I need to get DNA test done.  RK has to be Laad Governor’s brother.  What husband would have an issue with Karva Chauth?

Pankhudi (shakes her head and mutters):  Adi must have gotten ideas to be against Karva Chauth from RK.

Kumud (beams):  That’s actually rather sweet of RK!  He didn’t want you to starve on his behalf.

Madhu (smiles and shrugs her shoulders):  True.  But I don’t usually listen to RK when I have determined my own course.  It was my first Karva Chauth and I was determined to keep it even though EVERYONE except of Bittuji opposed it.  (Smiles) Bittuji became my biggest supporter and arranged everything so none, even RK, doesn’t find out that I will be observing vrath.  If it wasn’t for him, then I wouldn’t have been able to keep my vrath.  On KC day, I became quite ill on RK’s set but I still refused to break my fast.  RK called the doctor and he claimed that I had food poisoning.  Don’t know how…since I only had maa’s sargi.  Between the doctor and RK they tried to give me different liquids but I resisted.  RK saw the mehendi on my hands and knew that I was keeping vrath.  And poof!  He turned right back into a janwar and broke my heart.

Khushi (mutters):  Just like that Laad Governor.  One moment is a Prince Charming and next moment is an absolute beast.

Madhu (continues):  He said he wouldn’t come back to break my vrath even if I am on my last breath.  But I had to have faith in my love.  I was feeling faint but still didn’t break and held steadfast for RK to show up.  The moon was clearly visible, all the other ladies broke their fasts but I was still waiting.  Just as I was about to blackout, RK showed up.  He was angry but still participated in the rituals to break the fast.  My body couldn’t take it anymore and I fainted.  Next day I woke up and RK was sleeping on the chair beside me, holding my hand. 

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  Aww!

Madhu (smiles):  He took good care of me.  Once I got better, I wanted to make lunch for him and (blushes) confess my feelings for him.  I even wrote him a letter!  But when I brought him lunch, again he turned into a beast and ran away.

Khushi (mutters):  Just like Laad Governor.  Run away after a confrontation.  RK is Laad Governor Part 2.

Madhu:  Well I suppose that gave RK’s maa and I a chance to make up.  Of course RK came back right at that time and whisked me off to the studio.  I was pissed off and tired of his hot and cold behavior.  But then he did the sweetest thing.

Pankhudi (excitedly):  What did he do?!?

Madhu:  He recreated Karva Chauth night.  We danced and would have kissed too if the stupid radio hadn’t stopped working and broken the spell.  We returned back home.  I wanted my parents to meet this new, changed RK.  Asked him to join me for lunch the next day and he agreed.  So next day I woke up and went to the chawl.  RK was supposed to show up for lunch but he didn’t.  Didu came and told me the reality of maa’s and Malik’s separation.  And my own sister…my own sister because she was so bitter about her life, cursed me.  She cursed me saying I would NEVER be happy in my married life.

Kumud (angrily):  She’s a disgrace to the word sister!

Madhu (nods her head):  I returned home and maa and I were worried.  Where did RK run off to now?  Finally he contacted Bittuji and told him that he was at his farm house.  I couldn’t wait.  I had to give that infuriating man a piece of my mind.  On the way to the farm house, my car broke down.  The driver left me on the road to find a mechanic.  And guess who showed up on the road?

Khushi:  Your darling pati?

Madhu (nods her head):  Yes it was RK.  He tried to deflect my questions.  But I don’t give up that easily.  Finally he confessed that he loves me.  We returned back to the farm house and I wanted to hear him say it again.  I coaxed it out of him and then…then…he asked me to leave everything in this world.  Wealth, which I don’t need, but also wanted me to leave my family, go away with him and start a new life.  How could I just up and leave my family?  Not when recent events have caused rifts between my family?  I told him no and without listening to my explanation he turned cold and angry.  We returned back home and next day he was still furious with me.  RK went to the studio, don’t know what happened there but he came back and asked if I said no because of the rift in my family.  I said yes and told him if everything is settled with them then I would follow him wherever he goes.  RK said the day we start a new life, we will complete our wedding with saath pheras.

Pankhudi (whistles):  That’s a huge…I mean… HUGE commitment.  To forever leave your family and everything familiar and never see them again?

Madhu (nods):  One I was willing to make.  RK helped me fix relationship between maa and Malik.  He saw what none of us could see.  That maa and Malik loved each other.  So after much convincing, they agreed to get married.  My relationship with didu improved as well.  But one day I found Dipali and RK talking about our relationship.  RK’s desire to leave everything was actually to test the strength of my love.  He did it at that witch’s prompting.  I was sooo angry!  How could he test me like this when I have already proved to him without a shadow of a doubt?  RK tried to explain…but I didn’t want to hear anything.  I blasted him for his behavior towards me and his maa.  Why couldn’t he see and understand that maa married again so she can provide for him?  So he can have a father figure in his life?  Naturally of course he ran away instead of having an adult discussion.

Khushi (mutters):  Just like Laad Governor.  They just put on their rollerblades and skate away.

Madhu (continues):  But one good thing came out of it though.  RK finally thawed against maa and gave her the love and respect she deserved.  (Smiles)  After 15 plus long years she got her Rishu back.  He came back to the house, I was still angry with him.  But I decided to forgive him because I understood that he tested me because he was insecure.  A few days later, Malik and maa’s wedding day arrived.  We arrived at the venue and RK was on the way.  (Agitatedly) Then everything went wrong.  We were surrounded by armed men and…and…my crazy biological father, that shaitan, was in front of us.  He thought maa, didu and I died 20 years ago.  But because didu signed to be the heroine for a film he’s producing, he found out that we are alive.  I didn’t know what he looked like but didu did.  She didn’t even think to warn us but just thought about her dreams.  She KNEW that Balraj would kill me when he finds out I am alive.

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi (gasp):  Why would your own father want to kill you?

Madhu:  Because I was a bad omen.  He listened to a superstitious old lady who said I will be his destruction.  That’s why maa ran away while I was still in her womb.  But that shaitan found us again.  He almost succeeded in killing me.  But my RK…he fought the villains, fought near death and saved me.  The police came and arrested the shaitan and his goons.  But somehow he escaped, grabbed me and put a gun to my forehead.  Maa picked up a rifle and shot him dead.

Kumud:  Go Padmini aunty!

Madhu:  But those stupid, incompetent police arrested maa even though they saw what she did was clearly in self-defense.  If they did their job right, it would have never happened.  Thankfully maa was acquitted of the murder charges.  We got maa and Malik married in a small ceremony at the chawl.  To celebrate the wedding, RK suggested we go on a family picnic.  It would have been extra special for me since the time for us to leave our families were upon us.  The next day, on the way to the picnic, the car broke down and we got stuck in a village.  (Smiles) I actually loved it there.  (Laughs) But RK hated it because of the lack of luxury.  I told him to buck up and get used to it.  Our new life will be without the sort of luxury he is used to.  We spent a magical night at the village while our car was in workshop. 

Khushi (winks):  Anything special happened on that magical night at the village?

Madhu (blushes):  No.  Chup na Khushi.  Bol ne do.  We returned home for our final journey, our bidaai from our family.  As each hour approached, it was getting harder for me.  But I held steadfast.  The day arrived and I said my bye to first RK’s maa without her realizing that RK and I were about to embark on a new life.  Then I went to the chawl to say bye to my maa.  She knows me too well so I confessed to her that RK and I leaving everything familiar to start a new life afresh.  Maa supported my decision and sent me off with her blessings.  RK wrapped up shooting and he was waiting on the set of his first movie.  He transformed it into our wedding venue.  (Smiles) I stepped forward, ready to start a new life with my love. 

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi (sighs):  So sweet!

Madhu:  Then when we were ready to take the pheras.  RK stopped the priest and said that since we already took chaar pheras to just forward to the last 3.  I thought nothing of it and walked in front of him.  I took a few steps forward but RK didn’t budge.  I looked back and there he stood, just smirking at me. 

Pankhudi (nervously):  Why did RK stop?

Madhu (painfully):  Because he didn’t want to marry me.  It was all a game you see, to get me to fall in love.  So much in love that I would blindly follow him anywhere.  (Laughs mirthlessly) It all went back to the 4 slaps.  He wanted to see me break, destroyed.  He wanted his revenge for the 4 slaps.  He claimed that everything he has done since the shooting was fake, to just win over my love and trust.  At first I refused to believe him.  I thought he was just playing a cruel joke on me.  He’ll laugh it off anytime and say, kidding Biwi!  Let’s get married.  But no…he continued to bang it inside my head that it was all a lie.  His love for me was a lie.  My world crashed and I just became numb.  It’s like ice formed in my heart and I couldn’t feel a thing.  I was just like a zombie, a walking dead. 

Khushi (sniffles):  Rakshas!  How dare he show you such beautiful dreams of a happy life together and then snatch it away?!?

Kumud (angrily):  To do all that, break your dreams and trust, just to avenge 4 slaps?  He needed to see a psychiatrist!

Pankhudi (confused):  I know he’s a very good actor.  But even a very good one can’t sustain such a role for 24/7 for such a long period of time.  Was all of it really a lie?

Madhu:  Well I was certainly made to believe that everything prior to the Unwedding, was one big, fat lie. But in hindsight, you are right Pankhudi.  No matter what RK said, not all of it was a lie.  Some of them just simply couldn’t be.  Anyway…once he had completely broken me, he took me back to the chawl.  Humiliated me in front of all my family and friends and just left me.  I was still numb.  Maa was confused.  She thought we were getting married again and leaving to start a new life.  So what was the new drama?  Maa needed answers and she knew that RK had become my life.  I couldn’t survive without him.  She dragged me with her to RK’s house.  Maa questioned him why he’s punishing me.  She wanted him to transfer my punishment to her.  She begged and begged him to take me back.  But RK steadfastly refused.  Maa dragged me away from their but before going she cursed RK that he will never be happy in his life.

Kumud:  Cheers to Padmini aunty for standing up for you!

Madhu (nods her head):  We went back to the chawl.  I was still numb.  Both maa and didu kept telling me to scream, cry, just let out my pain.  They tried to take off my mangalsutra to throw it away.  But I couldn’t…I couldn’t let them do it.  No I wanted to remember this painful moment so I never make the same mistake again.  I took off the hated red saree that he gave me to wear for our wedding… excuse me… for RK Unweds Madhubala ceremony.  I kept the saree and the mangalsutra safe.  It would always serve as a reminder of RK’s dhoka.  I walked outside for a breather and I saw RK’s poster.  Then it finally hit me that EVERYTHING is over.  There’s no RK and Madhu.  The dam broke and I couldn’t stop the tears from rushing down.

Khushi:  Rakshas!  (Confused) But how did you get from that ugly breakup to being together again?

Madhu:  Yeh toh sirf Intermission hai.



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Hi all. Blame the length on Madhu.  If you all think Khushi weaves long tale, na-ah!  Nautanki Pati ka Biwi is giving a whole movie.  Next up as you've already guessed is still Mrs. Nautanki's narration. Then we will move on to Kumud's sad love story. 


Jul 31, 2013

SS: Sex and the City – Desi Style! (By Tainar) (Thanked: 43 times)

Pankhudi (demands):  Forget your intermission!  Just continue with your movie…err…story!

Madhu (sighs):  Here I thought you would want a small break from my twisted, dramatic love story.

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi:  No way! 

Madhu (shrugs her shoulders and continues):  Next day I decided to get my life back in order.  I wanted to go back to the life I had before I met RK.  So I went back to the salon I used to work for and things would have been fine if Dipali hadn’t shown up.  The Gutter Queen wanted to show me my place but I gave it back to her in good measure.  As if that wasn’t enough, the media hounded me at the salon.  I didn’t have a choice but to quit.  Bittuji, bless his heart, found me a job as a hairdresser at one of the movie sets.  (Hits her head gently) I didn’t even think that it could be RK’s set.  I showed up to do my job and accidentally walked in on Valentine’s Day shoot.  It was so painful to see RK again.  But that janwar took great pleasure in humiliating me again.  I left the studio in tears.  No way can I work in the same set as that man!  But then I reasoned, why should I let him affect my life?  I resolved that I WILL work on the same set and show RK that I have moved on.  I refused to let think for a moment that he has broken me beyond repair!

Kumud:  You go girl!  These men what do they think that we are so weak that we will fall apart because they abandon us?!

Khushi:  Yeah!  We are not so weak!

Pankhudi:  We are emotionally stronger than them!

Madhu (nods her head in agreement):  I returned back on set the next day and RK challenged me that I will quit before 3 days are up.

Khushi (mutters):  Just like Laad Governor.  Hamesha…challenge…challenge khel.

Madhu (continues):  RK did everything to humiliate me, but I held steadfast.  But he almost broke me when the heroine left early and there was still a shot remaining for the day.  Of course Mr. Superstar couldn’t let go of a chance to humiliate me.  He practically ordered me to wear this ugly, form fitting dress and fill in for the role of the heroine.  Or I will be fired.  I wasn’t about to give up that easily so I gave in and wore the dress and showed up at the shoot.  But true to my nickname, (grimaces) Glycerine I started crying.

Pankhudi (impatiently):  Then what happened?  I hope RK was moved and realized then he loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you!

Madhu (laughs):  Not exactly.  I think he was moved by my tears because he yelled one of his favorite words, PACK UP!  But I was so angry and true to my name, I cried a river.  Suddenly the lights went out and RK knew I was terrified of the dark.  He came with his lighter to help me but I didn’t want anything from him.  RK tried to calm me down and he accidentally ripped my sleeves.  (Smiles) So in my anger…I slapped him.

Kumud (shakes her head):  Knowing his reaction to slaps, you still slapped him?

Madhu (shrugs her shoulders):  I wasn’t thinking and he couldn’t do much worse to me than he already did.  Naturally we argued and I said some mean things to him and RK pushed me out of the studio.  In the dark and locked the door.  Mr. Rishab Kundra thought I would break that easily?  He thought that I would quit and not show up for work.  (Smiles) So the next day I sent him first aid care package before showing up at the studio.  Of course RK doesn’t take anything lying down.  The next day would be the start of outdoor shooting, so he organized a party.  And of course, my presence at the party was demanded.  (Laughs)  Like I was going to back down!  Then I don’t know how…but I…got DRUNK! 

Khushi, Kumud and Pankhudi (shocked):  What?!?  You and alcohol?!?

Madhu (defensively):  As I said, I don’t know how.  All I know that RK and I were together…around that time.  Don’t know much of what really happened but I think we opened up to each other.  The next day….(pauses) I woke up…umm…and I was in his bed.

Khushi (teases):  Then the alcohol did its job.  You ended up where you should be, in his bed.  (Wiggles her brows)  Kuch khas hua?

Pankhudi (excitedly):  So you guys made up?  Did you talk out your differences after the hangover?

Madhu (blushes):  No nothing happened.  I woke up and freaked though.  How did I end up on his bed?  I snuck out of the house as soon as I regained my full senses.  Later that day, I left with all the crew members and arrived at the place for the outdoor shoot.  (Furiously)  This rakshas…

Kumud (angrily): What?  RK was back to harassing you again?!?

Madhu (shakes her head):  Not RK…this was one of the extras…this man…started harassing me.  I moved a little farther away from the campsite to get away from him.  But the jerk grabbed me and put his paws on me.  I struggled but couldn’t get free.  But then out of nowhere…a fist came crashing against the man.  (Smiles)  It was RK.  I was very surprised since he wasn’t even supposed to arrive till the next day.

Khushi (demands):  Did he beat the turd black and blue?

Pankhudi (sighs):  Aww!  So sweet.  Since he ran to protect you, did you two make up then?

Madhu (smiles):  RK did give him a few bruises.  And no Pankhudi we didn’t make up then.  Things were awkward between us.  (Makes a face) Of course…RK had to ask that…witch Dipali to be in his new movie at that time.  (As a side) He did it to make me jealous.  Like that creature would induce anything but disgust.  (Makes a face) I was her hair stylist and she and I had some words.  The bloody Gutter Queen said some things that made me upset, even though I shouldn’t have let her get under my skin.  So I started walking aimlessly and ended up in the middle of a forest.

Kumud (wryly):  I hope RK now realizes not to make you upset given your penchant to wander.

Madhu (shrugs her shoulders):  I can’t help it.  My feet just start moving.  Realizing that I have walked too far, I was about to return back.  When I heard some noise.  Curious, I looked around and saw…this child was tied up.  How can I walk away when a child needs help?  I set the boy free.  Because he was hampered by a bad leg, so I carried him and tried to leave.  But we were attacked and I ended up running deeper into the forest.  Then this gun toting man in his see-through, white shirt tried to attack me and take the boy away.  He grabbed me and so I bit him.  (Reflectively)  In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t bitten but just kneed him.

Kumud (teases):  He wasn’t good looking enough?

Madhu (sighs):  Sadakchap was a downright ugly soul. 

Pankhudi (confused):   His name was Sadakchap?

Madhu (sighs):  No his name was Sultan.  (Mimicking Sultan)  Mumbai ka Sultan.  He was a Don.

Khushi (puts her hands up):  Hai Devi Maiyya!  You were kidnapped by a Don?  How did you escape?

Madhu:  Arre yaar!  Let me continue the story.  You’ll get your answers.  I woke up with a headache and found myself in a strange bed.  My concern was just for the child.  I grabbed him from another room and tried to escape.  I even snatched the gun his manservant kept and pointed at that blue eyed devil to let us leave.

Kumud:  ****y blue eyes?

Madhu:  Nahin.  He had cold, expressionless blue eyes.  Did you know that child was his son?  That sadakchap tied up his own child as bait to lure out his enemy!

Khushi (gasps):  What?!?  The man should have been shot for being such a careless father!

Madhu (nods her head):  I should have…(mutters) then none of us would have suffered because of him. (Normal voice) I told him he was a horrible father for using his own child.  He blindfolded and took me back to the chawl.  Bloody man threatened that if I told RK, he would kill him. 

Pankhudi (gasps):  How dare he?!?

Madhu (nods her head):  My family was tense as I was missing for over 24 hours.  Rk was waiting for me at the chawl.  (Smiles a little) He was actually worried.  Of course he kept grilling me where I was…and obviously I couldn’t tell him after the threat!  The bloody man had the nerve to joke if I was out meeting a lover.  (Sighs) Should have denied it right then but I was irked.  So I told him even if I was meeting someone, it was none of his business.

Kumud:  UH-OH!

Madhu:  Exactly.  I was back on set the next day.  But that stupid Sadakchap came on set and he kidnapped me again at gunpoint!  RK saw us leaving together but he didn’t see the gun he was holding at my waist.  It was hidden by my dupatta.  Ugh!  It looked like I was in his arms. 

Khushi:  Hai Devi Maiyya!  Why did he kidnap you again?  You didn’t tell anyone about him did you?  How would he find out?

Madhu:  Stupid don took me again to nurse his sick son.  Because of his criminal background he couldn’t even call a doctor.  I would have said to hell with it but I felt sorry for the poor child.  (Shakes her head) To be cursed with such a father.  So I took care of him.  Next day Aryan, the son, recovered and the blue eyed devil dropped me home again.  And once again RK was waiting for me at the chawl.  We had a huge fight.  I just didn’t get why he cared where I was?  Who I was with?  I needed answers.  Of course he had none.  (Sighs) This was just the beginning of my Sultan woes.  One day on set, I was speaking to the cutie pie Aryan.  RK thought I was speaking to Sultan.  He grabbed my phone and made threats without even verifying who I was speaking to!  Of course Sultan had to answer back for the insult.  So he came and broke RK’s car windows.  And who had to pay for the consequences for both their actions?  Me!  That rakshas, RK, insulted me in front of the whole studio.  He implied that I was a loose, immoral woman and I am letting my new lover fight my battles.

Pankhudi (gasps):  That’s awful!

Kumud (angrily):  I hope you slapped him for the insults!

Khushi (mutters):  Of course RK is Laad Governor’s bhai.  Without proof, accuse a girl of being character-dheela.  

Madhu:  RK even hired 3 spies to follow me around.  But they were more like the three stooges.  It took me 5 seconds to wring the truth out of them.  I came here to confront him.   How dare he had me followed?  We are no longer married.  He broke it off!  So why is he acting like a jealous, possessive husband?  Of course RK being RK…can’t put a lid on his mouth.  He kept heaping insults on my head till maa slapped him. 

Kumud:  Go Radha aunty!

Madhu:  Did that stop RK?  Nope!  One evening at the studio, he kept on harassing me about my new lover.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I told him it was Sultan and he is NOT my lover!  Of course what did he do?  He ran off like a murg.  (Smiles) Ok…fine.  He had an outdoor shoot in New York.  So he left.

Pankhudi (teases):  Did you miss him just a little bit?

Madhu (grimaces):  I barely had time to do that!  That Sadakchap invaded my life again.  He just had to go confront an enemy by himself and get shot.  He was backstabbed by his own men.  Just for cutie pie Aryan, I agreed to play nurse again and take Sultan’s bullet out.  I should have just let him died!  Anyway…so I saved his life.  He couldn’t go back to his house.  Though come to think of it now, how can a Don not have a secret hideout place?  Anyway, out of humanity, I hid them at the chawl.  Sultan started showing his softer side and like a fool I fell for his acchai act.  On Holi day, RK returned back from New York and he showed up at the Chawl.  I couldn’t believe that he came to the chawl of all the places to celebrate.  I was irritated with his high handedness.  He just grabbed me and started dancing.

Khushi (teases):  Irritated or elated?

Madhu (sticks out her tongue):  Chup Sanka Devi.  Though Sultan accidentally colored me with gulal first…

Kumud (interrupts):  Was it really accidental?

Madhu (muses):  Given what I know about him now…I wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually planned!  Anyway…even though Sultan put gulal on me first, I didn’t count his as first.  (Smiles softly) RK put gulal on me so lovingly and I was about to put it on him (grimaces) when I just had to notice Bhujang, the one trying to kill Sultan, and his men are at the chawl.  (Angrily) I should have just let him drag the Sadakchap away and shoot him.  But no…I thought…I had to save Sultan, at least, for Aryan’s sake.  So instead of coloring RK, I ran and put color on Sultan’s face so Bhujang won’t recognize him easily.

Pankhudi:  Oh no!  You ruined your chance at reuniting with RK.

Madhu (grimaces):  All for that Sadakchap.  Don’t know what I was thinking, to put color on his face.  It’s not like it prevented a shootout at the chawl.  Everyone was upset that I sheltered a gangster and endangered everyone’s safety.  (Sighs) But I had to defend my actions, citing humanity.  Thank goodness Sultan decided to leave after the shootout.  But RK…he was extremely upset.  The bloody man tricked me into going to the studio.  He wanted us to forget everything and give us a second chance.

Pankhudi (excitedly):  Well…?  Did you?

Madhu:  Heck no!  RK refused to acknowledge he did anything wrong, let alone apologize!

Kumud (angrily):  Oh hell no!  No apology?  Good then you didn’t give him a chance!

Madhu (chortles):  Not that it made much difference to him.  He kidnapped me from the studio and brought me back here.  I tried to leave but that blasted man cut his palm and threatened to cut deeper.  He didn’t let go of the knife till he got his confirmation that I love him and only him.

Khushi:  Hayee!  These men and their odd ways to try to make up with us.

Madhu:  I was so angry with his behavior and attitude.  I wanted my bloody apology but no Mr. Rishab Kundra labeled the most heartbreaking moment of my life as nokh jhok.

Kumud (mutters):  I would have bashed RK’s head for that.

Madhu (continues):  Next day I woke up and did you that he handcuffed me to him like some sort of janwar? 

Khushi (shocked):  Kya?!?

Madhu:  Then on the way to the studio, Sultan stopped our car and pulled his gun out on RK.  As if my morning didn’t start bad already!  Naturally you can imagine that those two had some words.  Sultan thought I needed rescuing and wanted to take me away.   I controlled the situation and had Sultan put his gun away.  (Sighs) I should have just snatched the gun and shot him point blank. 

Pankhudi (raises her brow):  Quite blood-thirsty aren’t you?

Madhu (sighs):  If you had to deal with that Sadakchap, you would be too.  The encounter with Sultan left RK in an extremely bad mood.  We went to the studio and he enacted this messed up play.  The Hero, Heroine and Villain.  According to him, hero gets the heroine.  But in my case, he implied that I was oscillating between hero and villain.  (Shudders)  He threatened to shoot me if I go to the villain, even if it kills him. 

Kumud:  Goodness gracious!  What did you do?

Madhu:  I was utterly shocked!  I finally understood his junoon.  I needed time to think and so I disappeared for the rest of the day.  (Smiles)  Bechara RK.  He searched for me whole day.  Little did he know, I was home waiting for him with dinner. 

Pankhudi (excitedly):  So you forgave him and decided to give your love another chance?

Madhu (smiles):  Not exactly.  You see…I decided to teach RK a lesson using his own method.  Fake love.  I wanted him to know how I felt when he crushed my heart with his fake love and revenge.  Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

Khushi:  Hai Devi Maiyya!  Please don’t ever let me cross this girl or she’ll turn into Revengebala aur meri band bajayga!

Madhu (rolls her eyes in response):  I meticulously planned out my revenge.  First I had to gain his trust but using his own crazy method.  We went out for dinner the next evening.  RK challenged me to prove that I love him by jumping off the building.  To gain his trust, I jumped off. 

Pankhudi:  OMG!  Are you freaking crazy?  You could have died!

Madhu:  RK caught me.  I knew he would.  But do you know what the man said?  He said I should never hurt myself.  Only he has rights on me and my body, the only thing I can and should do is breathe.  (Sighs) Given the vengeful quest I was on, completely wrong thing to say.  A few days later, RK decided to throw a costume party at the studio.  At the party, I found out about Dipali’s evil plan.  She invited Sultan to the party to further humiliate me.  So I thought…accha…perfect chance to kill 2 birds with one stone.  I called Sultan and asked him accept the invitation.  I knew RK would humiliate us and accuse me of inviting my lover to his party.

Kumud (surprised):  You wanted him to humiliate you?!?

Madhu (nods her head):  After all the insults and humiliation, he dragged me home.  I begged him to listen to me, that I didn’t send a text to Sultan contrary to what he was told.  You see…at the party, before the hungama started, I made sure RK knew that I couldn’t find my phone till I found it, in front of my eyes.  I knew that Dipali took my phone and sent the text.  I told RK that she bumped into me and soon after that I realized my phone was missing.  RK knew questioning Dipali would have been pointless.  (Smiles) So he went after Sikky.  That Bandar can’t hold water.  He spilled that Dipali invited Sultan and it was her plan to try to humiliate me.  I of course pretended to be hurt and even tried to slit my wrist with the infamous knife that is always lying about.  RK snatched it away from me before I could do damage.  I told him that I was tired of trying to prove to him that I only love him.  The only way he will be satisfied and I will pass the test is to die. 

Khushi (mutters):  Nautank…you made an excellent plan.

Madhu (continues):  RK kept saying sorry that he doubted me and he fell for Dipali’s trap.  (Smiles a little) RK asked what he can do to show that he’s really sorry. 

Pankhudi:  Nice.  So you got your apology.  (Hopefully) Did you forget your plans then and forgave him?

Madhu:  Not exactly.  Next day, I left the house saying I can’t live with the constant doubting and tests.  I went back to the chawl. 

Kumud:  Good for you girl!  (Hopefully)  Did RK follow you?

Madhu (smiles):  Yes he did and he proposed to me very sweetly to get married to him again.  He wanted to complete our marriage with saath pheras.

Khushi (claps her hands excitedly):  So you forgave him and accepted his proposal, right?

Madhu:  I accepted his proposal but I didn’t forgive him.  I wanted RK to feel the same pain when he broke my heart and dreams of a happy marriage. 

Pankhudi: Oh dear.  You should come with a warning label.  Cross at your own peril.

Madhu (rolls her eyes):  Believe it or not, my resolve to carry on with my plans didn’t last long.  (Smiles) I couldn’t hold on to my ire for long.  RK was being very sweet and charming.  So I dropped my plans.  We went through each of the wedding ritual, mehendi, haldi and then the wedding day arrived.  I was feeling guilty and was debating whether to confess to RK that I had wanted to take revenge against him.  (Angrily)  But that Sadakchap showed up, trying to convince me to leave with him.  I explained to him that I love RK and truly want to be with him.  I have forgotten my plan to take revenge.  (Grimaces) Of course RK had to see that Sadakchap in the room with me. 

Khushi (mutters):  I am sure like Laad Governor, RK misunderstood the situation.  They are long lost brothers after all!

Madhu (continues):  RK was upset and he locked himself in a room.  I told that Sadakchap to get lost and coaxed RK to come and talk to me, to yell at me but not to shut me out.  He came out and took me to the house he built for us as our escape home.  (Tears in her eyes) RK had decorated our bed with hundreds of rose petals and the room was glowing with candles.  We talked and I tried to get him to listen and understand.  Then he dragged me to our wedding venue.  I didn’t know what he was planning to do.  Is he going to humiliate me again?  (Soft smile on her face) But no…in front of the whole world, he apologized to me for everything that he has done to me since the time we met.  After everything that we went through, we finally got married, completed our pheras.

Pankhudi (sighs):  And everything has been lovely and beautiful ever since.

Madhu (shakes her head):  No.  Soon we were hit by another storm in the name of Sultan.  (Angrily) That Slithering Snakewa played one hell of a game with us.  He made our lives a living hell.  But we persevered.  (Smiles)  Our Ishqwala love can get us through any hurdles.  Our love is our junoon.



Hi all.  PHEW!  Madhu's twisted love story is finally over. i didn't cover much of the recent episodes since that would require at least 2 more updates.  So next up is Kumud.  Please comment and hit thank you buttons if you are enjoying the narration.  Graci!

Aug 3, 2013

SS: Sex and the City – Desi Style! (By Tainar) (Thanked: 54 times)

Pankhudi (sighs):  Madhu your story is too filmy.

Khushi (teases):  What else can we expect from a Nautanki couple?

Madhu (to Khushi):  Oye…your own was no less dramatic.

Pankhudi rolls her eyes at Khushi and Madhu and turns her attention on the silent Kumud.

Pankhudi (excitedly):  Kumud!  Tell us your story na? 

Khushi:  Yes please…did your sapne ka rajkumar sweep you off your feet?

Madhu:  I am sure he was a perfect gentleman.  (Mutters) Unlike my Right Kameena.

Kumud (smiles a little):  What can I say ladies?  My love story ended before it even started.

Pankhudi (confused):  Huh?

Madhu (scolds):  Stop speaking in riddles and seedha seedha batao.

Kumud (muses):  I used to dream of my rajkumar, my future husband…

Khushi (whistles):  Hayee…did you dream about our jijaji?

Kumud (slight smile):  My dream was quite odd.  I only dreamt of a pair of very expressive eyes.  I wanted to capture those eyes and so I drew a sketch.

Madhu (teases):  Did you keep it under your pillow and kiss it goodnight every night?

Kumud (laughs):  No Madhu.  I leave such gestures to nautankis like you.  (Sobers) But I did safeguard that sketch.  Then babuji received a proposal from his best friend, Laxminandan uncle, for his son.  Their son used to live in Dubai with them, so I didn’t get to see him in person.  But babuji showed me his picture and…

Pankhudi (sighs):  And it’s the same eyes as your sapne ka rajkumar.

Kumud (laughs):  Exactly.  It’s the very same expressive eyes.  So I said yes to the alliance.

Khushi (teases):  And you dreamt about him every night. 

Kumud (blushes slightly):  Yes well…it didn’t last for too long.

Madhu (muses):  Kumud…I just realized…you never told us his name.

Kumud:  His name is Saraswatichandra, Saras for short.  He was named after his mother.

Pankhudi (confused):  Why did you stop dreaming about him?  What happened?

Kumud (sighs):  Saras wrote a letter informing me that he is not interested in marriage and to break off the alliance.

Khushi (surprised):  Kya?!?  If he didn’t believe in marriage then why send proposal?  (Mutters) Does not believe in marriage?  Hmm…it seems he is also Laad Governor’s long lost brother. 

Madhu (angrily):  What’s up with these men and their repulsion against marriage?  (Mutters) God knows they need the holy matrimony more than we do, so we can turn them from janwars to insaans.

Pankhudi (shakes her head and mutters):  Men.  (To Kumud) So what did you do?

Kumud (shrugs her shoulders):  I told Saras to come to my village and reject me to my face like a man.  He doesn’t want the alliance but wants me to break it?  I don’t think so.  Told him he can speak to my babuji and break it off himself.

Madhu (approvingly):  Good girl. 

Pankhudi (hopefully):  So did Saras come? 

Khushi (excitedly):  Did he fall in love at first sight and realize his mistake?

Kumud (laughs):  Nothing of that sort happened.  Saras did come…he was still against getting married.  But he realized that he had hurt my feelings.  (Smiles)  But my injured pride refused to give him a chance to apologize.  I started to realize he’s not a bad sort.  You see his father re-married his stepmother soon after his mother’s death.  Saras also helped our family in our time of need.  First he saved my babuji while he was having an attack.  I was out in the rain trying to find a doctor, but the doctor wasn’t home.  Saras video conferenced his family doctor from Dubai and with his careful instructions, saved my babuji’s life.  (Shrugs) I wanted to thank him but my pride just wouldn’t allow me.  I wanted him to stop prolonging his stay and just break off the alliance.

Khushi:  Uffo.  (Teases) If he broke it off so quickly, then how would he have fallen in love with you?

Kumud (laughs):  I can be quite stubborn when I want to be.  Anyway, finally he grew the courage to speak to my babuji to break off the alliance.  Babuji didn’t want any bad blood between our families, so he forgave him.  I think also because of my bua.  She was Saras’s mom’s best friend and adored him like a son. 

Pankhudi:  So your anger at him slowly dissipated?

Kumud (laughs):  Yes it slowly started to melt away.  Saras decided to leave for Dubai and my cousin was supposed to drop him off.  On the way, he got into a minor accident.  He hit and killed a cow.  Saras couldn’t get to the airport in time for his flight and returned back home.  The lady whose cow was killed raised hell and incited the villagers to come to our house.  They wanted to punish the perpetrator for the crime.  My spineless cousin refused to come forward and take the blame.  So Saras stepped forward and took the blame for the accident.  They tried to drag him to mete out his punishment.  But my family and I were able to keep them from harming him.  Stupid, ignorant people said some horrid things about his mother and his lack of sanskar.  What those idiots didn’t know that Saras is very well-versed and religious.

Khushi, Madhu and Pankhudi:  Unlike our husbands!

Kumud (smiles a little):  He was like a child.  Saras wanted punishment for a deed he didn’t even commit.  (Shrugs) During this drama, his stepmother came to help Saras from his woes.

Madhu:  Good!  Saras needed his family’s support.

Kumud:  Not good because Guman is a witch in disguise and she is Saras’s ill-wisher. 

Khushi, Madhu and Pankhudi:  Oh no!  Did she stir up trouble?

Kumud (nods her head):  She tried.  But we finally managed to get Saras out of trouble.  By then, I had completely softened my stance against him.  For my bua who loved him a son, I decided that I will help him.  (Smiles) He didn’t even know how to smile.  Now how can anyone live without a bit of laughter and joy in life?

Khushi (mutters):  Another of Laad Governor’s long lost brother.  Imagine…does not know how to smile.  This is getting too eerie.

Kumud (continues):  Despite his stubbornness, Guman’s scheming and our friends and siblings matchmaking efforts, we fell in love. 

Madhu (excitedly):  So did he propose? 

Pankhudi (demands impatiently):  How did he propose?  

Kumud (laughs):  Not right away.  He needed time to process and register in his pea sized brain.  So it took a while for us to get to the proposal.  Frankly I thought I might not even get one since he was so set against marriage.

Khushi (mutters):  Laad Governor ka bhai!

Kumud (continues):  Taking me by surprise, Saras asked for my dad’s permission to marry me in front of everyone at my friend’s wedding.

Pankhudi:  Hayee!  How sweet!

Madhu (demands):  But did he ask you? 

Kumud (laughs):  He knew my answer.  Guman wasn’t done with her scheming though.  She decided to play with my young and sweet cousin.  She encouraged her to elope with her good for nothing boyfriend.  On the same evening as our engagement, Kumari eloped with her boyfriend.  Saras and his brother found out and after our ceremony, they went and stopped the wedding.

Madhu:  I hope you dealt with that witch appropriately!

Khushi:  How did your family react?

Kumud:  Madhu…as much as I wanted to slap her, I couldn’t.  Like it or not…she was going to be mother-in-law.  No my family never found out about Kumari’s misadventure. 

Pankhudi:  Then what happened?

Kumud:  Soon after our engagement, Saras returned back to Dubai.  My family prepared for the wedding.  On the day of my mehendi ceremony, I tried to reach Saras.  But his phone was turned off.  I tried reaching him the day before and he wasn’t picking up.  I was getting really worried.  Finally…he called the night before the wedding.  (Taking a deep breath) And he…he…he…

Pankhudi (worriedly):  He what?  What did Saras say?!?

Kumud (sadly):  He said that he wasn’t the right for me and I deserve someone better.  Saras broke off the wedding.  Twice he has done that to me.  (Angrily) Twice he has humiliated me and my family!

Madhu:  Ohh hell no!  I would have taken the first flight out to Dubai and given him a piece of my mind!

Khushi:  Along with a good tight slap!

Kumud (shrugs):  Perhaps.  Certainly would have been a better option than the one I took. 

Pankhudi (nervously):  What did you do?

Kumud:  I agreed to get married to the first proposal we received.  I couldn’t stand to see my babuji humiliated. 

Khushi, Madhu and Pankhudi (surprised):  What?!?

Kumud (nods her head):  As I was taking the pheras with the stranger, I had this odd feeling.  As if Saras was nearby.

Pankhudi (hopefully):  Saras did show up?!?

Madhu:  Did he break the wedding?

Khushi:  Did he apologize for his colossal mistake and then marry you?

Kumud (shakes her head sadly):  No Saras didn’t come and stop the wedding.  My love lost and I married a total and complete stranger.

Khushi, Madhu and Pankhudi (morosely):  I thought you married the love of your life.

Kumud (sadly):  In my anger, I made the biggest mistake of my life.  I ended up married to an abusive drunk.  To my everlasting surprise, Saras ended up in at my in-laws.

Khushi, Madhu and Pankhudi (shocked):  What?!?

Kumud:  My sister-in-law found him on the side of the street, badly beaten.

Pankhudi:  Maybe he was on the way to stop the wedding?

Kumud (quietly):  Yes he was.  I was so angry with him yet I still couldn’t stop caring.  After his recovery, he tried to speak to me, to apologize.  But I didn’t want to hear it.  I didn’t want to hear an apology, an excuse, nothing.  I couldn’t allow anything that would weaken the resolve in my heart.  But it’s Saras and I couldn’t stand to see punishing himself.  (Sadly)  Recently I found out that Saras found out that his papa had an affair with Guman while still married to his mom.  He had a fall out with his family and in a moment of rage and irrationality, broke off our engagement.  When he realized that he made a big mistake, he tried to stop the wedding but was beaten up.

Madhu (tearing up):  That’s so sad.

Khushi (lips trembling):  So what are you going to do?

Kumud (sadly):  What can I do now?  I am married now and I won’t humiliate my family and the values they instilled in me and be with Saras.  It is not in our kismet to be with each other.

The festive atmosphere of the evening turned somber.  No matter how dramatic and twisted Khushi, Madhu and Pankhudi’s love stories got, they ended up with their loves.  Despite all that they have been through, they still believe that love conquers all.  Now they have a walking, talking proof that love does not always conquer all.  Fate has played a cruel game on Kumud.



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Good Lord! It took forever but I am finally done with this SS.  Next up will be boys.  And it will be much shorter.  I think it may be two shot. So be on the lookout for Laad Governor's Long Lost Brothers!  Please share comment and hit thank you button.  Graci! 

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